ghost on the street

This Halloween, let’s pledge to stop ghosting

We will get to ghosting in a minute, let me first take a step back.

Over time, the focus of this blog and my coaching has shifted from how to lessen the negative effects of stress to instead how to prevent stress by uncovering and diminishing the root causes of stress. Many of the professionals I work with need deeper assistance than just time management and prioritization skills. Most of the time their stress was caused by the fact that the career, role, or company culture they were in did not serve them. Their stress was a result of not being able to recognize they were in the wrong place and didn’t know how to give themselves permission to change.

When I look at the world we are currently in, I see the same issue on a global level. We are trying to learn how to cope in a messed-up world, where what we should be trying to do is change the paradigm. As I step back and look at the root causes of much of our pain and conflict right now, it is due to our self-focus and our resistance to learn how to come together. In the Western culture where individualism, personal freedom, and individual success is valued, we have replaced the common good with self-focused desires. What is keeping us from coming together is self-centeredness, hyper-independence, and an ego run riot.

I am not saying that we are all self-serving, cold-hearted narcissists. What we do need to be honest about, however, is how our thinking is usually focused on our own wants and needs, instead of including the needs of others or at least being mindful of how our actions affect others. For instance, I have conversations almost daily with my job seekers who are upset that after interviewing multiple times, the human resources representative is unresponsive. The candidate is never informed if they are still being considered or if the role has been filled. They are just ghosted, as the young kids say, by the company. The irony is that many times these same candidates a few weeks in the future, ghost me. I don’t know if they landed a new position or what happened. They are just gone. The bottom line in both cases is that people are not thinking of how their actions or inactions (i.e., ghosting) affects others. They are oblivious to and have no consideration for how what they do or don’t do affects others. In their mind, the relationship is over and they don’t even think of giving even the lowliest of text message response. It is not that they are mean, they just aren’t thinking any further than themselves.

As Lily Tomlin said, “We are all in this together, alone.”* These days I think we need to flip the quote. We feel that we are in this alone. Even with all the technology providing us the tools to be close, more and more people are feeling isolated. We are not alone. It is not me against the world. I am part of the world. Humanity is a living, breathing organism of which I am but a part. As more and more of us can see that we are not isolated, that we are not the only and solely important person in the world, we can begin to make decisions and policies that benefit us all as a whole. And we can begin to heal the root causes of our stress.

As a first step, let’s stop ghosting each other.

*I have also seen this quote as “We’re all in this together – by ourselves.” I could not verify the correct version.

peace

Let Peace Begin with Me

Ten seconds on Facebook or any newscast will find one instantly overwhelmed with fear, hatred, anger, sorrow, and hopelessness. For my own health and sanity, I had long ago decided to remove myself from the fearmongering of the media and the one-sided rants on social media. That does not mean I keep my head in the sand and hide from the realities that are happening. It just means I do not allow myself to be addicted to the negativity.

I do need to be informed and I also feel I have a responsibility to help bring a positive change to the world. The question I have is how do I best support the betterment of society. As duality is one of the world’s core issues today, it is hard for me to join any groups fighting for rights because, although their heart is in the right place, they are still caught up in the belief of duality. The question I posed to myself is how am I supposed to bring understanding, compassion, and hope to the world.

I learned long ago that we can not change others. In my coaching, I can only inform, provide objective insight, and introduce new concepts. We can lead the horse to water, but it is not in our power to make them drink. If you speak to any parent, they can tell you well that they are powerless to make their children act a certain way and in fact, their instructions and demands are often ignored or countermanded. I know I have often done the opposite of what my parents demanded, just to prove that they could not control me. In the same way, I can not make anyone change their mind or behaviors. What I can change is my own thinking and behaviors. The answer to how I can help change the world is by living the way I hope the world can be. What I can do is be the image of how we all can act if we choose, therefore encouraging others to join the peaceful bandwagon.

By changing my thinking and my actions, I hope to be a beacon for others. Not that I do it perfectly, but I can do my best to show a different way than hate and attack and separation. I hope that my focus on love, compassion, empathy, and understanding starts a ripple that will help at least one other individual to experience life more positively and at best creates a wave of change.

I can practice the nonviolence of Gandhi who said, “I am certain that if we want to bring about peace in the world, there is no other way except that of nonviolence. . . . The more you develop it in your own being, the more infectious it becomes till it overwhelms your surroundings and by and by might oversweep the world.” When I feel angry, instead of fighting, judging or labeling, I try to find common ground.

I can follow Saint Francis of Assisi who said, “Before you speak of peace, you must first have it in your heart.” My gut reaction is to look to the other – what they are doing wrong and what they need to fix. What is more productive is to look at my own thinking, my own anger, and to make inner peace first.

I can follow Thich Nhat Hanh and be the voice of reason and calm in midst of fear. Instead of focusing on my own fear and worry, I can think of others and make choices that benefit the whole.

In all the crazy that 2020 has brought us, I thought I needed to do. What I am learning is I need to be. Be centered. Be peaceful. Be compassionate. Be empathetic. Be present. My friend often says that waiting is an action and now I am learning that holding space, being present, and exuding peace is a powerful healing action too.

This week stop trying to change how others act and first change how you react and live. Are you spreading the acceptance, compassion, and peace you want to experience? If not, what can you shift to make your own footprint closer to that desired path?

“You may say I’m a dreamer / But I’m not the only one / I hope someday you’ll join us / And the world will be as one” – John Lennon Imagine