Hope for the Future

Many of us are happy and joyful as we celebrate this Christmas Day. And many of us also have some sadness, some worry and some concern about the future. Years ago, I stopped watching the news and it released me from depression and hopelessness. Lately I have noticed that after two minutes on Facebook my warm fuzzies of happiness change to devastation and political divide. For my sanity, I may need to begin limiting my social media consumption soon too. The truth is, even if we remove the news from coming to us, essentially hiding our heads in the sand, the world will still continue to get worse, right?

Or are things really getting worse?

I found two great TED talks you should check out. The first talk I found by Hans Rosling was in 2006. In this first talk, he begins to question what we really know about what is happening in the world.  I encourage you to watch the video and see how what you think is actually based on your perception of the world and, if you are like me, you don’t know much more than the literal monkeys surveyed. The point of this talk was that if we don’t look at the real hard data, we don’t see the positive changes in and the real progress of the world. The negativity we see and experience every day is based on our perception. Our perception is based on what we learned in the past. Therefore we are living in the non-progressing negativity of the past instead of the hopeful reality of today.

Photo by Ron Smith on Unsplash

The second talk by Hans Rosling and his son doesn’t just show how our thinking is skewed. Instead, they also provide us with tangible ways we can look for and truly see the real data. It is when we can see the real data that we can create ways to make real change, or at least sleep at night knowing life is progressing in a positive fashion.  These gentlemen postulate that we all have embraced preconceived ideas as reality. Our beliefs are based on our personal bias due to growing up in homogenized neighborhoods, to the unfortunate fact that we are taught outdated world views in schools, and due to biased news which focuses on rare events and sensationalized fear.

Here is what they suggest to help us start creating a realistic worldview:

  • Instead of focusing on and believing that everything is getting worse, focus on the fact that most things do improve (and they have the data to prove it).
  • Although there is a real gap between the rich and the poor, remember that most people are in the middle of the curve. And that the middle of the bell curve is growing, meaning more of us are living better.
  • Money is not needed to make social improvements. The inverse is true. Social improvements actually lead to increase in personal and national wealth.
  • We may have news, and now even fake news, but we control our consumption. We are often drawn to sensational and unusual events therefore we are fed more and more of these. Stop consuming the sensational, stop feeding your fears, and focus on the true daily facts of our world.

As we move into 2019, don’t focus on the past. Don’t expect things to get worse. Don’t let the past hold you back. Don’t bring the heartbreaks of the last year into the new year. Look at things with open eyes. Look to the new year with hopeful eyes. And usher in the positivity and hope the world needs today.

from type a to type me: how to stop "doing" life and start living it

A Call for Type Me

We have been through a lot this year. Political issues, #MeToo, depression awareness, border issues, and aggression. Everything from the NFL to classic Christmas songs have been called into question. Many times it is a little too much. I want to, but know what I can not change all of these issues. Instead I take solace in the fact that I can fix me, or at least improvement myself and my experience of life bit by bit. And so can you.

For decades I searched for ways to improve myself. How could I reduce my stress, my passive aggressiveness, my anger and frustration? I knew I could, should live a better life but I didn’t know how. I wanted to release the physical and mental pain I was in. I searched high and low for solutions until I found what worked for me – then spent a decade sharing these tools to help others release their pain and ease into a more joyful life.

from type a to type me: how to stop "doing" life and start living itFrom Type A to Type Me: How to Stop “Doing” Life and Start Living It turned four years old this September. It is a chronicle of how I turned my life around. How I moved out of stress, overwhelm and depression to take back a joyful and positive life. And I hope that it will do the same for you and all its readers. The book provides insights, stories, and tools to help release you from overwhelm and into a better life through awareness, acceptance, alternatives, and action.

Awareness

We can not change anything until we are aware of it. The first step toward a more joyful life is to be aware of how we are currently perceiving our current life, those around us, ourselves, and the world as a whole. We need to become aware of our thoughts, beliefs, actions and reactions and how those are affecting our experience of life.

Acceptance

In acceptance there is peace, and the power to change things based on reality.  We need to accept the reality of life and others, even if we do not agree with them or like what they are doing. We need to accept the truth of the current reality. We need to accept others, circumstances, and ourselves. In seeing things as they are, we become empowered to make changes to the true issues.

Alternatives

Often, we are stifled because we only see black and white, this or that, good and bad. We feel we can not act because we only see the horrible situation we are currently in or a situation that is worse or impossible. Open your mind to all the possibilities available to you at all times so you too can start seeing how you can create your ideal life.

Action

Growing our awareness, accepting truth, and seeing alternatives only leads to a changed life if we take action. Learn how to get off the couch, out of your fears, and begin taking the baby steps toward a better life.

This book was seven years in the making and is a testament to the changes I was able to make in my life and in the lives of my clients. If you are looking for a last minute gift for your overwhelmed friend or a tool for changing your life for the better in 2019, why not download a free chapter of From Type A to Type Me and see if it is right for you.

what is love

What is love?

Deee-lite, one of my favorite bands, asked back in the 1980’s, “what is love?” Although they wrote a fun song that asks the question, the song never really gets to the answer (unless love is “degroovy”). Love is a theme of a lot of music, literature, and art. Mostly we see people who are pining or longing for love. They want your love. They need your love. They gotta have your love. This type of love is often seen as a noun. It is viewed as something that exists on its own and can be given away. It is seen as something that is gifted to another. It is as if we each have a bundle of love that we dole out in clumps and pieces to those we deem worthy.


This type of love is focused around the ego. Our persona, the person we believe we are, needs need to be loved and accepted. We expect that those around us should shower us with love and we have definite expectations of what that love should look like. We determine if someone’s gifted love is enough or given in the right way. Not only do we judge the quality and quantity of the love we are gifted, but we also feel as if we are nothing if we do not have that love. How many romantic comedies show a person as incomplete without their “other half.” Seeing love as a thing, as something that is parceled out, makes it a commodity. It is just another possession. The gifting of it is usually conditional and transitory. This is love as a noun and something that can be possessed, and lost.

Giving the power of love to another, having them be the one who has what you want, also makes you powerless. Many people are sad and depressed because they do not feel another’s love and therefore feel incomplete. We then make stupid choices to get love. We hide who we are so others accept us. We give up what we want in order to receive another’s love. We hold our tongue around our “friends,” afraid if they truly knew who we are they would abandon us. We diminish ourselves, our purpose, our being so we can be gifted with a nugget of love from someone else.

What I am coming to realize is that love is not a thing with which someone else gifts us. It is not a noun but is something inherent in our soul. It is something peaceful, fundamental, and deep. Love is a state of being. It is a way we move throughout our day. Love is seeing others around us with the eye of empathy and compassion. Love is being conscious of our actions and words and how they affect others. Love is feeling connected to those around us, even when they hate us. Love is a state of inherent peace found in the connection to oneness.

Sometimes love comes out as a gift or expression. What I have found though is once the love takes form outside our self it becomes a noun.  When love becomes a thing, there is now a conscious or unconscious desire to be recognized for what we are giving. Love is an inherent, internal experience. It can be seen in our eyes, words, and actions, but it is not what we say or what we do. It is an energy that fills our being and radiates unseen to all those around us.

Sometimes we can experience true love through an enlightened person like Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama. Sometimes it is seen in a common person. The garbage man who came by my old house was one of those people. He was calm and joyful and just radiated a peace that is indescribable. He didn’t give me the noun of love through picking up my garbage. But being in his presence I felt the existence of love.

Think through your life. Have you met someone who radiates love? Have you ever embodied that pure essence? Have you ever expressed your love without wanting in return?

angry cat

Anger

Anger appears to be the common feeling these days. Politics, religion, gender, race, guns, even in professional sports, it is hard to find a subject today that someone isn’t angry about.

Anger is important. Anger tells us that something is wrong. This emotion alerts us to an injustice we have suffered, to an issue that needs to be resolved, or to a situation which is not emotionally or physically healthy for us.

angry cat
Photo by FuYong Hua on Unsplash

Anger acted upon is what causes issues. When we act with anger, we are only spreading more hate, pain, and confusion. Anger is not intended to be an action. Acting upon our anger creates more anger in ourselves and others. Anger is for awareness not action.

A group of us meet frequently at the same location. The carpeting at the location was washed, but due to the high humidity of the season it never dried. Three weeks later the room still smells strongly of mold and mildew. A friend had intense anger at the situation. Her feeling was very justifiable. Her anger alerted her to the potential health issue because of the wet carpet. Instead of recognizing her anger and then releasing it to be able to logically discuss solutions, she let the anger loose. Instead of fixing the problem, she caused emotional stress to those around her and distanced the individuals who could have found a solution. A better choice would have been to temper her anger, express her concern clearly, and work with those involved for a solution.

A few days later, I had my own anger. I count on my yoga classes as a point of consistency for my week. They keep me grounded. They provide me with the physical exercise and mental calm to assist me throughout my day. Since July, my classes have not been consistent. The times have changed due to other events at the studio. The content has changed without warning. My anger rose. I took some time to look into my anger. What was I really angry about? I released things that were my issue. As a recovering Type A, I am still triggered by those who don’t adhere to the clock or a schedule like I do. This is something I need to be aware of, accept, and work on. The issue outside of myself that anger alerted me to was that I had paid for a service which was no longer being delivered. We had a contract for a certain type of yoga at a certain time. This contract was broken. Once I found the actionable issue anger had alerted me to, I could have an unemotional conversation with the studio owner working toward a resolution.

When you find anger rising up, remember these three steps:

Turn Off the Anger Alarm Clock

Thank your anger for alerting you to an issue. Don’t feed the anger. Don’t immediately share your anger with friends, family, and all of Facebook. Take a breath.

Find the Cause

Look for the reasons anger has shown up. Write them all down. Separate them into what is your personal issue to work through and what are the issues you need to resolve with others.

Work for Solutions

For those things which are your normal triggers, work through them. What lesson are you being given about things you can improve about yourself? For larger issues that affect more people, approach those involved with facts and in a state of calm. The goal is not to attack or criticize, but to find solutions.

As you go about your day, embrace anger as the awareness tool it is and work on creating new healthier reactions to it.

queer eye

Lies and Truth

Have you caught the reboot of Queer Eye? Netflix has picked up the series with a new Fabulous Five and a mission this time to teach and learn acceptance. Both of the new Fab Five seasons are must see, but the Big Little Lies episode in the second season caught my eye. If you don’t have Netflix, you can learn a bit about the episode here.

It is easy to get upset with Ari, the young man the Fab Five are helping. He is a liar. It is easy to see from the first words that leave his mouth that he shirks responsibility and tells tales. It is also clear that he thinks he is charming people into believing him, but he isn’t. Like most liars, the only one who believes the lie is the liar.

queer eyeWhen we run into liars we want to call them on it. We want to yell at them to cut the bull and tell the truth. Unfortunately, if we do this, the only result is the person becomes defensive or combative and digs deeper into the untruths. In the episode with Ari, I thought they were going to call him to the carpet when they hooked him up to a lie detector, but then the show takes an amazing twist **spoiler alert** they don’t give him the results. In fact, no one looks to see if or what he lied about. Instead of the Fab Five being the condescending parent or authority figure calling Ari on his BS, they turn responsibility for Ari’s lies over to him. Ari is the only one who knows if he lied in the test and now he has to live with it.

When I first saw the episode, the lesson I took away was regarding my own lies and half truths about my time in the UCLA theatrical directing graduate school. I had been embarrassed that the school kicked me out, so instead of boldly telling the truth, I said “I left.” It was true. I did leave. What I did not express was the fact I was asked to leave. When Queer Eye did not force Ari to fess up to his lie, what I heard was that the only person who knows, needs to know, and needs to live with the truth is me. I did not tell the whole truth because I was afraid of being judged. It became easier to share my truth when I realized that I was already being judged – each and every day by myself. Being completely honest also helped me let go of the incident. I could let go of my fear of being imperfect and move on with my life.

Lying is a defense mechanism used to protect ourselves from how we think others see us. Lying on the deepest level is a way for us to hide from ourselves. It is hard to be 100% open, honest, and truthful with others and even more so with ourselves. It is scary to see ourselves naked and vulnerable; to be an open book. It takes courage to be completely open with everyone, including ourselves, in every moment. But when we do, we are empowered like never before.

Without the lies hiding our fears, we are free. We can tackle anything because we are free of the bondage of our lives. To move forward in life, we need to release our fears, let go of the lies, and share our truth. Fear and lying only hold us back.

Fears

What are you afraid of sharing? What is keeping you from being 100% honest? Many times it is our fear of being less than. We are afraid of others being upset or leaving us due to our actions, thought, or beliefs. Yet these fears may be unfounded. We can never know 100% how people will react until we share our truth.

Acceptance

We may think we are getting away with a lie, but usually we are not. A lawyer friend of mine used to joke, “Nothing is illegal, unless you get caught.” Many of us live our lives lying under the radar. And many times we can get away with our lies. Either no one knows or no one calls us on it. We think we have gotten away with something and in one way we have. But in a much bigger way we have not. We have to live with our lie. We are the ones up sleepless nights worrying about being caught. Our lies and fears eat away at us day and night.

Courage

Being 100% honest in everything, takes a lot of courage. Many of us have told little white lies to protect someone’s feelings or not ruffle feathers, but is it truly the best choice? Every time we run from our whole-hearted truth, we are making a small tear in our relationships. We should never share a truth that would intentionally hurt another, but everything else is fair game.

Watch yourself this week. What lies are you telling? What are you trying to cover up with the lie? What are you afraid of? What do you need to accept about yourself? Do you have the courage to tell the truth?

airplane above the clouds

Rise Above

As my plane approached Chicago and I enjoyed the warm sun streaming through the porthole window onto my face, I remembered that Chicago was in the midst of intense rainstorms. Where was the rain? Perhaps the forecast was wrong.

After a few minutes, the captain began the descent and the plane went below the beautiful sunlit clouds plunging into darkness. Rain poured. Lightening danced. Here was the rainstorm that the forecasters had portended. Interesting how that storm was not apparent, and was not a worry, when we were above the clouds at a higher altitude.

airplane above the clouds
Photo by Thammie Cascales on Unsplash

We spend most of life under the clouds. We are in the midst of the storm of life dealing with issues, challenges, sorrows, and conflicts. From where we are, we can’t see anything besides rain. We only see the storm. We only see the pain. We only see the issues. We only see the challenges. We only see the sorrows. Life is hard. This is only true because we are keeping ourselves at this lower altitude, this lower vibration. We soak in the negativity. We resonate with the pain. We don’t expect better.

It is possible to rise above the storm. Since we don’t have our own planes and a pilot’s license to take us to a higher level, we can use these tools to help us rise above into a higher vibration.

Gratitude: Our minds automatically go to the bad, to the danger so we can protect ourselves. It is a biological, survival technique handed down generation to generation. And it is necessary for our survival. It is not necessary, or conducive, to our happiness. When you feel stuck below the clouds replaying your pain and woe, take time to list at least five (5) things for which you are grateful. This act refocuses our brains and our attitude to see above the clouds.

Act: When we are down, we tend to wallow in the negativity. We stare blankly at bad television while mindlessly ingesting our vice of choice. We have low energy. Instead of taking a nap which will not recharge us, take action. Muster whatever energy you have. Clean the pot that has been in the sink for a week. Pick a weed or two. Go for a walk. Waking up our bodies will also wake up our minds, taking us out of morbid reflection.

Connection: Talk to a friend. Talk to a stranger. By reaching out to another we get out of the loop of sadness replaying in our minds. We are listening to another. We are connected to someone else. We are no longer in the mind-storm and once more connected to a larger world.

Service: A step further than just connecting is to actually serve someone else. This could be helping at a soup kitchen or smiling at the cashier who appears to be having a bad day. When we give to another, when we wipe away someone else’s storm clouds, we receive the same joy in return, and then some. In giving to another we are not just affecting them but are healing everyone they touch, including ourselves.

When you find yourself in a storm, remember you can rise above the clouds. You can find your joy again through gratitude, action, connection, and service. Through these tools you can rise above the rain clouds into the sunny skies.