It is better to try and lose, then to never try at all

One of my Achilles’ heels is the tendency to hold myself back. It is ironic because in so many other ways I have a bull-in-a-china-shop drive toward what I want. Guess this is just one of many ways I still have an all-or-nothing attitude. Either I am driven and unstoppable, or I stop myself before I have even begun.

One of my 2020 self-care tools was watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. I was inspired by the creativity, acceptance, and talent of the participants. What I also noticed was how those who did not make it to the top, tended to doubt themselves usually to the point of self-sabotage. It was so clear to me from the outside to see that the only thing keeping them from progressing in the competition was themselves. As a career consultant, I see this play out in real life too.

Almost every day I coach job seekers who are their own worst enemy. They focus on what they think will be the interviewer’s concerns and accept the lie that they will not be considered for the position. What we work on is helping them prove to themselves first why and how they are a perfect fit for the position, so they can then express this during an interview and land the job.

Photo by Umit Y Buz on Unsplash

Lately I have been thinking of all the ways I stopped myself in the past. During the interview to become part of the Northwestern University theatrical directing masters program, I was asked to participate in the same exercises the actors did. I reluctantly agreed but didn’t put any effort into it and therefore was not even considered. I was accepted into the UCLA directing program but could not find my voice and found it easier to give up than try. In corporate America, I had projects where I allowed the group to take the lead and didn’t insist on the level of quality I did in my own work; the results were dismal. My experience in Roosevelt’s organizational development course really shows how I minimize myself, and therefore my results. Again and again, I found myself to be my own worst enemy.

My desire for perfection leads me to my all-or-nothing mentality. Either I know I am going to be not only successful but the best, or I don’t try at all. I defeat myself before I even begin. Just as I counsel the job seekers, I am making an effort to try, even if I don’t think I will succeed perfectly. Over the last two years, learning Spanish has really helped me. I had loved Spanish in junior high, but when I reached high school and had to speak the language alone, not as a class, I shut down. I was shy and timid and didn’t want to be judged. When we moved to Mexico, I was the same way. I didn’t want to be judged for my poor language skills. Finally, I learned to accept my ability – or lack thereof – and spoke as well as I could every chance I could. Through my amazing teacher and getting out there and making a fool of myself, my language skills have greatly improved. I focus on trying and practicing, not perfection.

Where are you holding yourself back in your life? What do you want to accomplish but don’t have the courage to try? Explore the why and take a baby step toward your dreams.

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