Stop Looking for the Why

For years I read self-help books and worked with psychiatrists to uncover what was wrong with me. Why was I the way I was? Why did I act a certain way? What was the root issue? What was wrong with me? I wanted to know so I could then fix it. The truth I discovered was that knowing the inceptive why is not necessary. We only need to choose a different path.

WhyIt is helpful to become aware of one’s thoughts, beliefs, and actions. But it is not necessary to find the root cause or initiator of those tendencies. When we recognize the basic factors which explain our tendency toward these unwanted behaviors, we have all we need to fix them. We don’t need the initial starting point of the issue. We just need to have awareness of when we are acting that way, to accept that this is our current state, and then to choose a new thought, belief, or behavior. That’s it. Just recognize that this thought, belief, or action is not working for you, and then explore how you can in the moment make it better. What is important is choosing what you want, not getting stuck in the unending search for the definitive why.

I believe growth is never ending. If we are not growing, we are not living. Right now, I am working on having true, unconditional, complete self-love. It’s challenging. This weekend was especially tough, so I asked my coach (all the best coaches have coaches) if she could help identify my block(s) to self-love. Her intuitive response was that there wasn’t necessarily a block. It was more like a phase. Just like a young child who is having an uncomfortable growth spurt or losing their teeth, now was my time to grow into self-love. There was no root-cause block, nothing to fix. I just need to recognize this is my current challenge, accept it and myself, and move on toward love.

Whatever your current challenge is, here are some tips to help you move through your current growth.

First, release the belief that you are broken and need to be fixed. Stop looking for the blame. Stop looking for the root cause of your issues. Accept that things are as they are. Knowing exactly what happened to make your experience what it is today, does nothing to fix your current experience. You can’t change the past. Release the desire to put yourself or others down for your current experience.

Next realize you are not your mind. We often believe the constant monkey chatter of our worries, self-doubt, and negativity are real. In truth, they are just old tapes we are playing again and again. Recognize that you are telling yourself a story and stop feeding the story. The story keeps us stuck in the past and stifles our power. Release as much of the old story as you can so you can start with a clean slate.

Instead of the story, focus on how you want to be and what you want to experience. Even if you don’t know the full picture, start naming what you do want in your life. Start pulling together the pieces of what would make your life better.

Then take baby steps in the moment to move you closer to what you want. If you are used to holding yourself back in due to the negativity in your mind, it may seem impossible to choose differently. That’s ok. Do what you can. Even the smallest new choice can open the way to empower you to make more and bigger choices and changes.

If you feel stuck or are constantly replaying reasons why you or others are responsible for your current situation, stop. Release your need to know why, release your need to blame. The result is usually just beating ourselves up for things outside of our control leading us nowhere. Instead, know you can control your thoughts, your direction, and your choices. Start to build the life you want. You have all the knowledge you need right now to make a change.

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