Really, I am human

Melissa Heisler, Life CoachThrough the last few weeks, I have received amazed compliments from friends and family.  “I can’t believe you made it through the eulogy.”  “It is amazing you were able to compartmentalize enough to coach a client the morning of your father’s wake.”  “You are such a positive person. You have an outstanding outlook on life. You jump right back out there and make lemonade!”

Well not really.

I was a babbling, sobbing fool when I gave the eulogy.  Yes, I was able to be present for the clients I coached just before the funeral (or I would not have coached them), but I was pretty useless the week afterward.  Actually I have been beating myself up over the last few weeks.  I have been tired and distracted.  I have not been able to concentrate as clearly as usual.  I can’t believe my lack of motivation and ability.  I just can’t believe that after three years to prepare for his leaving, that the loss of my father is hitting me this hard.

But it is.  And that’s ok.

When someone close to us moves on to what’s next, there is a lot to process.  There can be the shock when it happens suddenly, and even when it is expected.  There are the emotions of not being able to see, chat or be with that person again. There is an adjustment to the new norm including holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries without them.  There can be exhaustion from all the time spent caring for the loved one physically and emotionally.  These are not just emotional or psychological issues, but they affect us physically too.

Although I felt clear and clean mentally, my body was telling me a different story.  A loss is a loss no matter the circumstances, the level of understanding, or one’s positive outlook.  The loss of someone dear to us, is the loss of a part of us.  Yes, psychologically we know that the person will be with us forever in our hearts, minds, and memories.  But the truth is that they are no longer with us physically.  They are no longer here to interact with us.  And this loss can affect our mind, body, and spirit.  However it is not solely a “loss” but is also rebirth into our new life and new environment without them.  For that person was a part of us and it takes time to grow into who we will become without that tangible connection to them.

When you experience loss in your life, give yourself time.  Time to process, time to sleep, time to adapt, time to grieve, time to grow into your own next phase of being.  Wishing you peace, understanding, acceptance, and the power to move forward.

3 comments

  1. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about your father. I am preparing for the loss of my father as he is in hospice now, but I know that I can’t really “prepare”. Your words about giving yourself time to process, sleep and adapt really resonated with me. It really is OK. I’ll remember your advice when I’m in the place you are. Thanks again.

    1. Michele – I am sorry to hear that you are preparing to experience the loss of your father. At this time, remember to be in the moment with him. Too often we get caught up in feeling the loss before we have to or fearing the future without our loved ones. As much as you can just BE there with him. It can be one of the best experiences of your relationship. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your father, and your family.

  2. Melissa – Thank you so much for writing about your feelings after your loss. It has helped me put into words some emotions I have just begun to experience. There are many feelings that have surfaced about my brother’s death, but you have shown it’s OK to recognize them, acknowledge them and then let go – as I did when I released a balloon recently for his new journey. Now I can say I will “grow into the next phase of my being” as well. Your friend always, Tamera

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