My husband thinks I am a dork. Most Friday nights around 8:55pm CST, I cry. I cry tears of joy. I cry tears of love. I cry tears of recognition and pride. I cry tears of beauty – inside and out. I cry because I am watching TLC’s What Not to Wear.
It is one of my favorite shows and it recently celebrated its 250th episode. As often as I can, I force my husband to sit through the show on a Friday night; although I think he actually enjoys it more than he will admit. Recently I was thrilled to see that the show is also on around lunchtime so I will catch it every so often when I am able to take a lunch break at home.
After watching an episode recently, it really sunk in why I truly love the show. It is not just because of the witty banter and great advice from Clinton and Stacy or because it is moving to see the transformation these brave women go through in just a short few days. But it is because I realized these style mavens use the same process I do with my clients. In three steps of awareness, release, and acceptance whether on TLC or in my office, people can make major changes in their lives.
Awareness
The first step is to become aware of how one’s actions, reactions, and choices are affecting their lives. Some people are aware of their choices and just need help making better ones. But some people are not consciously aware of their choices or the need to make new ones. These individuals really benefit from the secret footage and input from their friends and family to finally take a realistic look at the image they are projecting. Sometimes an outside perspective can help us see things we would not uncover on our own.
Part of the awareness process is to become aware of reality versus perception. This is very blatant when it comes to clothing and the body. so many women have a distorted vision of themselves and their bodies. They “see” their body parts as bigger, smaller, longer, or shorter than they really are. I remember one episode involving a woman who had lost a significant amount of weight, but she was unable to see herself in her new body. The style duo brilliantly had her draw her perception of her shape full-size on a wall. Then Clinton traced her actual body on the same wall. There were inches of difference between her perception and the reality of her shape. This visualization was exactly what she needed to begin chipping away at her misperception. Often I will do the same with my clients. We question the misperceptions in their thoughts and help them to realize that what they believe is true may not be.
Release
The next hurdle is learning how to release old habits and embrace new ones. On the show this is experienced dramatically by Stacy and Clinton mercilessly reviewing each and every piece of clothing owned and throwing out the ones that are not serving the individual well.
Some women on the show, often overworked mothers, need to learn to love and care for themselves again or sometimes for the very first time. They need to release the view that they are not important. They need to release the excuse that they do not have enough time. Basically these women have minimized themselves and their role in the world. It is amazing to see how putting on strong, flattering clothing can help them see themselves as significant again.
Another category of What Not to Wear women are the ones who are dressing a certain way because of their fear of being misunderstood. Check out the video about the so-called tough chick. She was afraid of embracing her femininity because she believed that she would “feel weak and fragile.” It is amazing to see how her attitude shifts from defensive and aggressive at the beginning of the show to confident and powerful at the end.
Some women dress to hide and some dress in the clothes of their younger years because they are afraid of letting go of the past. No matter the reason, once they have learned the deep meaning and reason behind their choices, they can begin the process of releasing the beliefs and assumptions that do not serve them. This is the very emotional process of letting go of who we believe we are to allow who we truly are to shine through.
Acceptance
Which leads us to our last step, acceptance. This is when the lucky woman on the show can finally see herself as she truly is and come to accept herself. So often women believe they need to look like the latest supermodel to be considered beautiful. But Stacy and Clinton do a wonderful job of helping women truly see their body and how to make their unique shape look the best that it can. We are all unique. Once we can accept our uniqueness and to dress and take care of ourselves the way appropriate for us (not what society says we should do), then we can come into not only acceptance, but self love. When women who hid, masked, or ignored themselves now burst vibrantly into a room of their loved ones, I cry. Seeing someone come into their own, love and accept themselves as they truly are, and stop hiding, masking or ignoring their bodies, brings tears to my eyes. My emotion mirrors the joy these women feel now that they have found their true essence.
So next time you get a chance, check out an episode of What Not to Wear and join in the joy of watching these women come into the power of accepting and embracing who they truly are. I won’t tell anyone if you cry.
My husband and I were very lucky to receive a Wii® as a gift this year. We were very excited as it would give us another option at night besides activities that center on sitting. The first night my husband set up the game, we created our Mii’s (Missy and DanDan), and we bowled for hours. Man, we were unstoppable! When the next night rolled around we were excited to hit the lanes. But the strikes were few and far between. You see the more one plays Wii, the more difficult it gets. The almost perfect roll that yielded a strike the first night was now leaving the seven-ten split.
It was not until after a few games using our impostor Mii’s that I noticed something else. We were having fun again! There was a lightness to my mood and I experienced the joy of play. As Missy I was concentrating hard on each movement and feeling very rigid, serious, and frustrated. There was no fun in the game and there was really not any freedom in my actions. By taking on that second Wii persona, I loosened up. I was able to smile, laugh, and release the tension in my body and mind. By releasing the tension, my movements and abilities improved. When I released the pressure of perfection, I was free mentally and physically. It wasn’t that I was completely free from responsibility, I was still trying to get all the pins down, but there was not the added pressure of my own psyche attacking me if my scores were not a certain level.
I know I would spend hours with the Sears Christmas catalog, scanning every page, imagining what it would be like to have this toy, that doll, or the latest board game. (Collectible horses were my favorite.) Then I would carefully write my list and post it on the refrigerator for all to see – and for Santa to fulfill.
There are many lists we make during the holidays – what gifts to buy friends and family, to whom we are sending cards, and what we need for that big family meal. I would like you to add one more list to your to do’s this holiday season. Make a list of what you want in your life in 2010. Look at your health, your prosperity, your career, your family, your relationships, where and how you live, your hobbies, and your faith. This does not need to be a pie in the sky list of the million dollar job and Prince Charming arriving at your door, but truly review all aspects of your life. What do you need in your life to feel content, to feel fulfilled, to feel happy? Do you need an hour every night to connect to your friends on Facebook because you miss having your college buddies around? Do you want to take knitting back up because you enjoy the creative nature of that hobby? Do you want to begin studying a new subject to broaden your knowledge? Do you want to gift yourself with good health by giving your body what it needs?
To make your list, find a nice piece of paper and create eight sections. These sections can be columns or circles, or any visual configuration that works for you. Label the sections: Business/Career, Fun & Recreation, Health, Romance, Physical Environment, Personal Growth, Finances, and Friends & Family. Under each section describe in detail what you would like. Remember to include how you would feel if you had what you describe. So instead of writing, “more friends,” try writing “laughing and joking with many friends.” The second description paints a visual and emotional picture of what you want to experience. This picture will help you better determine when you have reached your goal. Once you have your list, post it on your refrigerator so you can see it every day. Check in with the list frequently to help you focus on creating the life that you truly desire.
I am having my parents and mother-in-law over for Thanksgiving. They have all struggled with health issues over the past few years so it is a blessing we can share this special day together. There will just be a few of us so we can really spend some quality time chatting and laughing. My godmother is in town for the week so we are able to extend the holidays by meeting up over the weekend with her and my great aunt.
When we let our inner narrator prattle on, it often spins a negative, self-attacking story of victimization and pain. But we can retrain our inner narrator to write positive, uplifting life stories. The moment you roll out of bed each morning you make choices on how you interpret your day. Are you stuck in stupid traffic again or do you have a few extra moments to call a good friend as you drive to work? Become aware of your inner narrator and make positive changes to your life story.
To get you started, here are a few things for which to be grateful: You woke up this morning, you are breathing, there is adequate food for breakfast, you have the mental ability to read and comprehend this post.
Or was it? How often do we let these little bumps in the road ruin our day? How often are we upset that life is so difficult and that it “never goes our way”? How often do we wallow in the emotion of problems that we can not find solutions?
How often do we have a problem arise and our first reaction is “this shouldn’t be happening!”? But it IS happening. That is the truth of the matter. Being angry at a fact, believing that things should be different than how they are only causes pain. Imagine how much pain has been suffered over the years because we expect something other than what is actually occurring. When I arrived at the first store only to realize I did not have my wallet I have to admit that I was angry and frustrated. I knew I had picked up my wallet and I needed these bags so I could get this project done. At first I stayed in the parking lot unbelieving of my situation. But would staying in that parking lot magically make my wallet appear? No. I needed to accept the circumstance and take action to make it better.
Accepting the reality of the situation and reframing it as an opportunity, lesson, or message opens one up to finding new and better solutions to the problem. If we are stuck in being a victim of the problem, whining about how it is happening to us, or seeing it as a force that can not be overcome, we are no where near the mental attitude we need to have to creatively solve the problem. In my anxiety, I kept forcing and pushing a solution. Instead what if I would have come home and told my husband how silly I was to forget my wallet. I might have then learned that our sump pump was broken and he needed to go to the store. It would have saved me a few extra tirps and I could have gotten started raking earlier, seeing my neighbor earlier, learning I didn’t have to bag earlier, and having a nice relaxing morning raking leaves versus a whirlwind of anxiousness.
A few weeks ago I was working with a client who had slipped back into some of her bad habits. Since she is brilliant and hard-working she noticed her actions right away but was confused, frustrated, and upset about why she had fallen back into the habits we had worked so hard to break. As we spoke, we determined it was the switch from summer vacation to the school year. This transition changed the routine and dynamics of the family. Our discussion reminded me how when we are faced with new challenges, we tend to go back to where we feel safe. Many times this safe place is in the habits and attitudes that protected us in our younger years – even if they do not serve us now. But my client is not the only one subject to this fear-based return to bad habits. Recently I noticed that some of my bad habits were also resurfacing.
As I was discussing my dilemma with my husband he posed the question, “Could it be that your father’s cancer is back?” His statement rang with clarity. I had known that his diagnosis was a disappointment, but I did not think it had affected me that much. We knew last year that this could be a possibility and I am very confident that this time the treatment will be successful. But my husband was right. The news broke me out of my routine and status quo. It hit me on an unconscious emotional level.
Next time you notice some bad habits rising up, go to a trusted friend and discuss recent changes or issues. See if you can identify the cause of your fear or the shift in the stability of your life. Just recognizing that you have hit a bump on your life’s road can help you regain your focus.
Recently my husband and I attended a wedding. We were prepared for anything. First, this event was in Los Angeles and was sure to be filled with a mix of entertainers and political activists. Second, it was a vegan event, which took a little mental preparation for my carnivorous husband. Thirdly and most importantly, it was Denise’s wedding. Denise’s first wedding was a potluck on the top of a mountain with the Looney Tunes theme played for her husband’s entrance. We could not imagine what this wedding would provide. Little did I know that it was to be a lesson in the power of true acceptance, love, and forgiveness.
Denise has the ability to see the little nugget of good that is in us all. No matter what our exterior warts are, she can see through it. She focuses not on our flaws, but on that piece of inner beauty we all possess. Imagine if you could go through the day and not judge anyone. What if you had the ability to see each individual as their pure essence? What if you could love them for their good without diminishing that good because of physical, psychological, or philosophical differences? This is pure acceptance. And it is powerful.
What acts of acceptance and forgiveness have you experienced? Who do you need to accept? Who do you need to forgive?
